The dirty little secret about conservatives is that they are not human. Not really anyway. Oh sure they have skin and hair and organs like the rest of us. But in the most important areas of human evolution, they are utterly un-evolved. Take for example the highest expression of enlightened human thought; tolerance. Conservatives have the audacity to proclaim that there are behaviors that are wrong no matter what. A good case in point is abortion. Conservatives believe that a woman should not be allowed to control what happens to her own body. This is absurd! The only reason they want to force women to have unwanted babies is that they want a source of cheap labor to work in their sweat shops. They don’t really care about the babies or the women who are forced to incubate them risking water retention, weight gain, and stretch marks. It is all about the almighty dollar.

Conservatives think the tender love portrayed in Broke Back Mountain is immoral. Even though no animals were harmed in the filming of this epic. What could possibly be more life affirming than two buff young lads exploring their passions with a playful game of “Bury the Saddle Horn” or “Betcha Can’t Swallow This”? Ang Lee has given the world a gift and should be canonized. Instead, he is pilloried by the radical right wing zealots who can’t tolerate anyone who is different. The truth is that many conservative men would love a chance to probe Heath Ledger’s ample colon if given the chance. The problem is that they are afraid they will incur the intolerant wrath of their brethren on the right if they were to give in to the normal passions that live in every human heart. Conservatives should embrace the North American Man-Boy Love Association’s philosophy captured in their motto “sex after eight is too late”.

Instead, they give themselves over to the immoral pursuit of religion, work, money, tax-cuts, and monogamy. All the while trying to take away the human rights of universal health care and a guaranteed minimum standard of living.

They also hate minorities. They only allow people like Oprah Winfrey and Michael Jordan to enjoy limited success because they provide entertainment for the truly rich robber barons. If it were not for the constitution and that pesky civil rights movement, Oprah would be cleaning Michael Moore’s ski chalet and Michael Jordan would be lashed to a plow on Trent Lott’s Mississippi cotton plantation. We give thanks to our heavenly mother every day that the conservatives don’t have total control. With her grace and mercy, we will finally elect a rational compassionate leader like Hilary Rodham. Hopefully she will have the courage to ask Barbara Streisand to be her running mate. With these two enlightened women in charge we can finally achieve what every thinking person wants, Nirvana. I get engorged and tingly just imagining it.

Conservatives are also just plain mean. They indoctrinate their spawn with ritualistic cruelty to animals by taking them hunting and fishing, feeding them meat, and teaching them to masturbate to footage of fur seal hunting expeditions. For those who aren’t familiar with this barbaric practice, this is when a bunch of drunk psychotic Canadians trek out onto the ice where the baby seals live in harmony with their mothers and mother nature. Those crazy bastards giggle like schoolgirls as they bludgeon the defenseless baby seals to death with bowling trophies. Then they sell the seal’s skin to furriers who fashion them into erotic wear for conservative women (aka traitors to the cause) to titillate their slave-master husbands.

They delight in inflicting pain wherever they go. They imprison millions of innocent people on trumped-up charges of drug possession and child pornography just because they don’t understand them. They never take into account that the reasons for these alleged violations of their theocratic Victorian restrictions are almost always a cry for help. Almost all of the enslaved people in the American Justice System are there because they acted out the psychosis induced by their oppression at the hands of the conservative dictatorship that we the people live under in this country.

Sure they don’t want to hear it, but if America were more like Cuba the world would be a better place.

Conservatives are also serial exploiters of our Mother Earth. They grease the treads of their bulldozers in the Arctic National Wildlife refuge with the innards of baby caribou in their insatiable lust for more oil. They foul the water and the land with sludge from drilling operations and burn the lifeblood of our mother earth to propel their smoke belching SUV’s to their country clubs and vacation homes. They destroy the souls of untold millions of old growth trees to erect ever-larger monuments to avarice and greed. In the process they displace millions of innocent woodland creatures and cause the extinction of plants and animals that hold the keys to cures for Aids, cancer, incontinence, herpes, Chlamydia, ADHD, and fallen arches. If conservatives could ever learn to live in harmony with nature, there would never be any shortage of anything we need to sustain life on this shrinking planet.

Conservatives attempt to control every aspect of the lives of America’s citizens. They generally do this by convincing people that they want more and better things for their families. This leads people to work in dead-end jobs for subsistence wages rather than the government providing the basic necessities of life, as it should be. All the while, they push tax cuts for the rich so that Dick Cheney can afford to hunt lawyers on a private ranch in Texas. Dick Cheney is one of the best examples of a greedy mean-spirited conservative on the planet. Every morning he eats a live kitten for breakfast and washes it down with gourmet coffee stolen from the indigenous peoples of South America. Then he personally supervises via satellite the torture of freedom fighters illegally held in Guantanamo Bay Cuba. It should be noted here that the American army is illegally occupying sovereign territory in Cuba awaiting the death of their distinguished leader Fidel Castro so that they can go in and steal their sugar and cigars.

The worst offender however is Dick’s boss George Bush. He is a crazed cowboy bent on world domination. Bush thinks nothing of butchering hundreds of millions of innocent Iraqi and Afghan civilians for no other reason than to steal the oil under those proud and peaceful countries. George personally supervised the feeding of pork to innocent Muslims just because he thought it was “kinda neat” to condemn their souls to hell. No kidding, that is an exact quote. He actually said that to his buddy Donald Rumsfeld at a rose garden ceremony celebrating the death of Mother Theresa.

His most recent initiative, though certainly not the worst, is especially disturbing. He plans to eliminate funding for school lunches and head start to pay for a theme park in Waco, Texas. The “Blood for Oil” theme park will celebrate his “victory” over the innocent dark-skinned peoples of the Middle East. The park will be powered by depleted uranium shells recovered from the Baghdad Camel Livery and several mosques and schools that his buddies in the military industrial complex “liberated” in Iraq. Another bizarre idea he is considering is to hire Halliburton to crush the bones of Iraqi freedom fighters and prisoners of conscience and use them as aggregate in a new highway project in Iraq. He rationalizes that there is a limited amount of suitable limestone in Iraq while human bones are a “renewable” resource. In his twisted world, this is an environmentally conscious approach to the thorny problem of material shortages in a war zone. He was overheard at a state dinner saying “ what the hell, I hate to waste perfectly good bones when my soldiers need roads to run on”. May the Goddess have mercy on us!

George Bush’s duplicity knows no limits. He professes to believe that every unwanted baby is precious. [Nothing could be further from the truth. If a baby is unwanted, it is by definition an uninvited parasite living on the body of its host.] At the same time he is orchestrating a program to harvest the skin from Iraqi newborns to make handbags, shoes, and makeup for the conservative mavens of the Daughters of the American Revolution. George Bush should be impeached, tried, and convicted for his unspeakable crimes against humanity. He should then be sentenced to spend the rest of his miserable life recycling condoms for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis. Maybe then he will learn to appreciate a moral alternative lifestyle and become a fully self-actualized healthy human being. Though there are no known examples of a conservative as depraved as George Bush ever being reformed, this is probably our best shot.